Teaching Humanity
At some point, dementia makes us want to walk away. Not see it anymore. Just walk away. You've felt it. So have I. Even walked away a little bit. But never very far and always came back.
Many of my posts I've talked about the heart breaking and opening. The depths of sadness I feel at times can be overwhelming. That's when I want to walk away. But once the heart is wide open, all emotions are felt at a deeper level. The depths of joy, love, exuberance over life itself also are overwhelming. That's what brings me back.
I have always been a person who has said yes to life. I've moved cross country more than a few times for love or passion of career. I've taken risks because I want to experience everything life has to offer and then some.
Dementia is scary and at times has brought me to my knees. The feelings of sadness, guilt, fear can be enough to stop a mama grizzly bear in her tracks. But I learn, again and again, to keep moving forward. What dementia has given me is time to stop in the moment and not do anything but feel what is going on. And then move on. Some time for reflection, but also time to just sit with what is going on.
Mom's hallucinations/delusions appear to be stronger and part of her day. The other day she told me Dad likes the re-upholstering job she is doing on the rocking chair. And how much he likes ice cream. She talks about him much more in the present tense. If my dad was alive he would be turning 81 later this month. Hearing her talk about him as if he was right beside her is track stopping material.
What I find the most humbling is their love for each other. What I feel in the moment when she talks about him, is sadness (I miss the bejeebers out of him) but also immense amount of love. I end up crying, laughing at the same time. One of the last times I was home, I found some writings from my mom to my dad after he died. And I found a Mother's Day card from my dad. Her writing to him "My dearest sweetheart....I loved you so very much and still do....we had such fun...so lucky to be loved by you...these memories help me get thru the days now."
From my dad "Hi Sweetheart, you are the sunshine of my life....I love you, I love you, I love you....your love"
I consider myself to be incredibly blessed to have been the daughter of two people who loved each other so deeply. They have taught me not only compassion, but also resiliency. You can't be married over 40 years and not endure hardships. Their teachings have brought me home time and time again. That I don't need to put a shell over my heart, but to keep it open, keep taking risks and to always lead with my heart.
Before I close, I need to give a major shout out to one of our fellow Tweeples (twitter followers), Samantha Howe, who is running the Boston Marathon on Monday for Alzheimers. She was featured on Maria Shriver's blog on Thursday. Read her blog post. She is amazing and one of our readers who lives in Ireland.
Back at ya Voyageur.